Springtime-

The azaleas have come into full bloom out back, so we sacrificed a few to mount on my office mantle...

A Nation Mourned-

A story in today's New York Times-

After news of President Lincoln's assassination reached New York, in all arteries and capillaries of the city, shopkeepers designed makeshift shrines to the martyred president. An anonymous diarist walked for miles, drawing sketches of as many storefronts as he could (evidence suggests, but does not confirm, that the diarist was a man). Through his relentless activity this nameless reporter made the news a bit more comprehensible. Here are selections from the diary entries.

Here's the full story and images of the pages.

Are Your Sure?

I just took one of those Facebook quizzes which asked "Which Shakespearean Character are You?" and found out I am Lady Macbeth. And here I was hoping for Richard III. I think it's rigged...

The Bonfire of the Xmas Trees

Yesterday we humanely disposed of several years' worth of dead Xmas trees by having a bonfire in our neighbors' backyard fire pit. First, the pit was readied by burning a few old wooden pallets as the audience warmed up with some champagne-

And in goes the first tree!

That was fast. the second tree approaches...

And there it goes!

Same time, same place, next year?

Morning -Yeah, What's Up with That?

Philosophical Query for the Day-

What is the Real Problem with Morning?

a) it's an every-day event, and that's just too much. Can we cut it back to, say, 4 days a week?

b) people expect you to do stuff when it happens.

c) it comes before lunch.

Rain? Sun??

The forecast says rain-
The sky says sun. It's April,
And I'm so confused.

Opening Day ! (??)

Well, Red Sox fans are all set for Sox Opening Day, Take 2, after yesterday's washout. Hey, at some point it has to stop raining right? Maybe by May?

Opening Day Haiku-

Its Opening Day-
First pitch- going, going gone!
What's gone- ball or hope?

Our Latest Catalog-

The past few weeks were Spring break Time, and the Book Elves went winging their way Southwards. Well, ok, not “winging” it exactly, as they have been banned from flying almost all the domestic airlines, but Peter Pan’ing it to Florida, where they spent a few weeks in one of the few counties where they did not currently have outstanding warrants for public nudity and intoxication (and, in one instance, a warrant citing a surplus US Army truck, a circus donkey, and the roof of the Sarasota Town Hall).

But before the Book Elves arrived in Key West, did their unforgettable (and obscene) a-capella rendition of “Margaritaville” and had Jimmy Buffet call the cops on them, they finished our latest catalog-

RECENT ACQUISITIONS FOR APRIL, 2009

-which features 135 books and catalogs on the decorative and fine arts, design, and related topics. The catalog is now posted on the web , and we also have free printed copies available.
If you would like one, please send us your mailing address.

Our Latest Books on Silver Catalog-

The rapidly changing March weather can prove daunting to even the most experienced meteorologist, and this March's weather has been schizophrenic enough to defeat even the best of them. The Book Elves would no sooner get the sleds ready for promised snow than it would rain. A forecast for a sunny day with temps in the 50s saw them getting the lawn chairs ready only to be covered with 3 inches of sleet. Annoyed, the Book Elves decided they could forecast that sort of weather with as much accuracy as any talking head on channel 4, and set up their own You-Tube-based weather forecasting service called "L@@K -> WEATHER 4YU!!".

But before they re-labeled the quadrants on the Book Cave dart board "Sun", "Snow", "Sleet" & "Meteors", they finished out latest catalog-

"Books on Silver & Silversmiths, A-H" features 128 books and catalogs on silver & silversmths, and you can browse it on our website!

Those Darn Jewels!

I do love a good Art Deco dust jacket...

New Books on Ceramics Catalog

March is said to roar in like a lion and leave like a lamb, but it’s always a bad idea to use such descriptive phrases around the Book Elves, who are likely to put them into “living” practice on the front lawn... But before the local State Police lieutenant (who is around here so much that we now exchange Christmas and birthday cards with him) showed up and began taking photos of what the MSPCA is insisting in calling “the incident scene”, they finished our latest catalog-

"BOOKS ON CERAMICS" features one hundred and sixty-three 18th, 19th and 20th century books and catalogs on a wide variety of pottery, porcelain, potters, and related subjects.

The catalog is posted online, and we also have printed copies available. Please send us your address if you would like a free copy.

Word Freak!!

I just unearthed a small pile of buttons I picked up at one the the yearly Boston Globe Book Festivals back in the late 70s or early 80s. Here's one-

Drama in a Picture-

We had a copy of Phillip Barraud's 1782 book "A New Book of Single Cyphers, Comprising Six Hundred Invented and Engraved by Ph. D. Barraud" in our catalog a few years ago. We sold the book, but I wanted to share one of the engraved frontispiece plates at the front-



I just love dramatic copper-plate engravings like this.

I Suppose it Was Inevitable...

To: All Staff
From: The Board of Directors
Date: December 19
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press (gas and solid waste). We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecast, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.

Should this happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful 2009.

Not Home on the Range-

2008 will be marked forever as the year the Book Elves went green. No, not "green" the way they "went green" last St. Patrick's Day with that vat of permanent industrial dye, "green" as in ecologically-minded (as in using 300 feet of extension cord to tap into the neighbor's solar panels). For Thanksgiving they decided to go with a "free-range" turkey this year, a decision you would not normally expect to be a recipe for trouble, broken crockery, and numerous minor injuries...

Unfortunately the Book Elves neglected to fully grasp the huge difference between "free-range" and "feral", and proceeded to round up a flock of 20 wild turkeys and herded them onto the screen porch. Wild turkeys, unlike the domesticated variety, can fly, like to kick, have a bad attitude, and (rather like wolves) will attack, in packs, when they are angry.

But before a hungry pack of 20 wild turkeys ravaged the dining room, ate all the cranberry sauce, and locked the Book Elves in the pantry, and just before the fine folks from the Massachusetts Department of Fish & Wildlife showed up with a packet of summonses, the Book Elves finished our latest catalog-

"Catalog #315: 'To Furnish a Fine House' -Books on Furniture, Cabinetmakers, Metalwares, Textiles, and other Americana"

You can browse the catalog on our website , and we have free printed copies available, just send us your mailing address.

The Simple Life-

As we enter the month of December, Christmas Shopping Season, Holiday Party Season and all the other hoopla that go with the Holidays, sometimes it's good to take a step back and try to simplify.

In that spirit, I offer the following Amazingly Simple Home Remedies to Simplify Your Life which I stole from somewhere or other-

-Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

-Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

-For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

-A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

-If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

-You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

-Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

-If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


- -

Boy, that Moscow Mule Kicks...

My, my, my... digging through a box of ephemera we uncovered this gem from the mid 1960s-

Of course, vodka has made a comeback in the past 10 years, with lime-flavored vodka, cherry-flavored vodka, and pistachio-flavored vodka, but somehow this little pamphlet appeals to me more than all the over-priced, over-hyped stuff they are trying to peddle now.

Not that you could actually give a "Vodka Party" today- somebody would hit a tree on the way home and you'd get your rear-end sued off. But let's just take a look at some of the snacks they recommend-

-avacado dip (matches the color of your new fridge)

-broiled anchovies (I actually love anchovies, but nobody is going to want to enter the house after you get done broiling a batch)

-cheese sticks (remember, what's good for Kraft is good for America)

-cheese logs (in case your arteries survived the cheese sticks)

-camembert almond balls (actually, I'd try those. I've never heard of such a thing, but it sounds as if it might be good, especially after a few vodkas).

The pamphlet then roves over toward the more "dramatic" entrees, incliuding "Flaming Dishes". I'm not sure I'd stick around for that performance- the host and hostess have had a half-dozen Moscow Mules, and then attempt to set fire to the turkey...

ouch.

Working, Working, Working-

Two catalogs are in the works this week- a new Furniture & Americana catalog, scheduled for mailing the weekend after Thanksgiving, and a shorter Recent Acquisitions catalog, scheduled for mailing as soon as possible...

I may need more coffee.

(Not Really) the Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winners-

“It was a dark and stormy night!"

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton, [1803–1873) was a popular Victorian writer, perhaps best remembered to day for his florid, over-blown style. He was the author who penned the immortal opening sentence-

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

He is immortalized by the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which contestants vie to supply atrocious first sentences to imaginary novels. The following entries have appeared on the internet and are not actually contest entries, but they certainly capture the spirit of the whole thing!

So, we are proud to present-

(Not Really) the Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winners-

10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, she screamed madly, "You lied!"

Engineers vs. Management

My story about the balloons that drift over us at this time of year brought this story to mind-


Engineers vs. Management-

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 6 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."